Shit Travel Bloggers Say

I think the healthiest people know how to laugh at themselves. And sometimes I have to giggle that this blogging business I’m in, and the shit that we travel bloggers say. Ready to be thoroughly perplexed? Read on.

“Can I take a look at your media package?”

 

Woah. We just met.

A media package is a document made up of a bunch of numbers and stats that show how popular you are on the internets. Cue primary school insecurities. But the more popular you are, the more free stuff you get and the easier your life is in general. Some things never change.

 

“I charge $2000 per article, $1000 per social media post, $1.50 per word on average. Also I need a full week’s complementary stay, plus meals and excursions. Thanks”

 

Alright, no travel blogger in their right mind would ever ask for stuff in this way. It would be like going up to the ice cream truck and being like

“I’d like a drumstick, a fudgescile, annndd…all the other things. Maybe even your truck…In exchange, I’ll tell all the neighborhood kids that your ice-cream is dope.”

Bit of a crazy trade-off right? But in so many ways travel bloggers do this. They write to tourism brands and hotels and resorts and request just this sort of thing. In fact, it’s done so often there’s it’s become a BIG business. Like, six-figure. And now the business of making that travel business is a business. Still with me?

Build a Better Travel Blog

 

How to build a travel blog is taught in courses all over the internets. Crazy, huh?

When I started traveling all I wanted was a safe (and cheap) place to sleep. ‘The bed was great. It allowed me to sleep, like most beds do. Also the air was breathable and the water was drinkable.’ These are the priorities people–sleep, air, water….and coffee, duh

“What’s your niche?”

Okay, fine I guess this is a reasonable question. The niche is what your market is. What are you writing about? Who’s your audience? What’s your special edge? When travel bloggers ask this I sometimes wonder whether they’re secretly looking for a good angle they haven’t thought about yet. This business is getting cutthroat! How many top ten lists can you make about Paris anyway?

“What platforms to you use?”

“What do you use Tailwind? Mailchimp? Cloudflare? Crowdfire? Snapchat? Periscope? HARO? Coggle? SpyFu?….”

As silly as these companies might sound, they’re actually quite complicated. I can’t keep up with who does what and how to use it all? Why is blogging so difficult now? Why are there courses selling for hundreds of dollars teaching you how to do it? (Highly recommend that one by the way). Why is it no longer just some person writing words and pressing post? How am I supposed to learn all this stuff?! No one taught me these words while getting an English degree!!!….go ahead laugh.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll be on my death bed thinking–‘I wish I figured out how to utilize Twitter to leverage my social media presence.’

 

 “What do you charge per word?”

Don’t worry, there’s a formula for figuring out your per-word rate. You’ll need it. Have your tax history at the ready. Yup.

“Pingbacks are the worst!”

The f*** is a pingback? Someone tell me what a pingback is?!

“What camera should I use? My GoPro? My Sony 103xthousand? My Nikon Dbigfat-heavy?…nah I’ll just bring my iphone and my olloclip

Here’s what camera you should use. Your eyeballs. It takes amazing images that only YOU will ever see. You can have as many copies as you want. They’ll never age. And no one else will have your same shot. Cool huh?…

But if you do like to take pictures obnoxiously (like myself. Guilty!) opt for the Sony A6000.

It’s lightweight and easy to travel with, yet delivers photos of a DSLR quality. If you want it to look vintagey and incorporate it into your hipster flat-lays, get this case….I mean, I have it.

“What’s your vlogging strategy?”

 

That thing that starts with a “v” and rhymes with this thing I’m satirizing? It’s referring to what you do when you walk around a city with a selfie stick and consequently annoy anyone within a 10-foot radius. I can’t think of a weirder way to explore a city. Call me anti-social, but if I’m out exploring solo I kind of want to keep it that way. I’m traveling for me, despite the existence of this here piece of the internet… So followers, you can chill out and wait for me to do my traveling and I’ll report back later. You’ll get the goods, but not until I’ve enjoyed my cappuccino in my own little private world of people watching.

If you don’t take a picture of your Italian coffee, did it even happen?

What are some ridiculous things that you’ve noticed Bloggers say? Share in the comments below. Let’s laugh at ourselves!

Shit Travel Bloggers Say

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About Kelsey

Kelsey is a dancer, wandering this world as performing artist and writing about it. She's skilled at forgetting her umbrella, getting lost, and eating too much cheese. Wend is her platform to share her nomadic lifestyle, and all the moments of beauty, grace, and hilarity that happen along the way. Join her as she finds her place in the world while dancing whenever she can.

3 comments on “Shit Travel Bloggers Say

  1. this def made me laugh. I’m new to travel blogging and I am already falling into these tacky traps. PS. is that first pic from fuckoffee!?? love that place 🙂
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    • Glad I got you giggling. Best to embark upon any new venture with some perspective and a good sense of humor. Best of luck with your blog!
      PS: pic is from a coffee joint in London, Shoreditch maybe?

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